Work-Life Balance: Is it Possible?
Plant for Profits Column
Leslie F. Halleck
I'm often asked by my clients and students how I achieve work-life balance in my business and personal life. My straight answer is that I don't believe there is such a thing. I don't believe that there is any sort of ideal perfection of equilibrium when it comes to working and living. As an entrepreneur you are essentially making the choice to choose what you do with your time and when and how much you do it, which for me - with my mantra of freedom and flexibility - is the ultimate reason I chose to be my own boss.
Releasing attachment to the perceived security that I had working for somebody else as a subjugate of their authority, which generally made me very unhappy, was key for me finding my own sort of work-life balance. As an eccentric, philomath, HSP (high sensitivity personality) with ADHD (WHEW) working on other people's schedules, expectations, and deadlines – as well as their perceptions of me - did not fit with my personality or my innate talents and proficiencies. Women, especially, are trained to ignore or deny these things about themselves; their natural drives, talents, personality traits, and proclivities. Women’s lives are also driven to a great degree by guilt. We are essentially raised in a culture of shame from the time we’re little girls. We are often imbued with extremely specific obligations and senses of female propriety, or specific gender roles, or expectations around children and marriage. These societal expectations, which may have no relevance to an individual woman’s life, create a space of perpetual guilt. We are supposed to do for others, not ourselves.
"Ultimately I think achieving whatever sort of parity in your life and work comes down to is guilt-free radical self-acceptance and self-actualization."
In fact, I spend a lot of time with my women clients essentially relieving them of guilt. Diverse types of guilt that manifest across the spectrum of that emotion. Most of my clients are looking for affirmation of their own desires, drives, and talents; as well as permission to release attachment to guilt they’ve felt in some form or fashion their whole life or career.
Due to an emotionally difficult childhood that forced me to become hyper-vigilant, self-aware, and self-reflective to an unhealthy degree, I became all too familiar with intense self-criticism and constant irrational guilt. The foundational materials of imposter syndrome. However, in a a roundabout way it was my hyper-self-awareness and analysis that enabled me to make bold choices about my life early on, such as not having children. I knew my brain needed to focus full-time on my creative endeavors in order to be happy - even though I knew I'd be labeled negatively for that choice. My intimate relationship with guilt and constant self-analysis forced also forced me me to learn how to process and compartmentalize it. I’ve learned how to use it productively (sometimes), and when it needs to be ignored, which is most of the time. There’s no rational basis for much of the guilt women feel, in life or work. For me releasing attachment to guilt is a daily practice, and an empowering one. Release attachment to guilt of working when you want or need to, of being focused on a project when you want to be, of rationally prioritizing your needs over someone else’s, or just downright saying “no.”
Early on in my entrepreneurial days, I found myself fighting against my natural drives and inclinations; I was still, in automatic fashion, adhering to working the schedules projects conventional business culture expects. The indoctrination can be incredibly hard to shake. It was this friction I was creating for myself in my own business that ended up perpetuating work-life balance issues for me. I had to challenge myself to step back from those conventional expectations that were causing me frustration, guilt, and unhappiness in my own business. I had to say to myself “Look, you’re in control here, and you have the power to decide what you want to do and when you want to do it, and more importantly who you want to do it for.” My brain wants to work when it wants to work. I needed to honor that. I made a pact with myself that I was going to stop feeling guilty if I woke up at 6:00 AM on Sunday morning and felt compelled to write an article or work on a book or client project; that I would stop feeling guilty if that meant I could take Wednesday morning off to do my shopping or cooking or handle my doctors’ appointments. Or just read or paint or putter on my own gardening projects…I know, SCANDALOUS!
By self-reflecting and allowing myself to work when it makes the most sense for me to work or not work, I’ve reduced a lot of stress and friction in my life. If you like or love what you do, and you feel driven to do it, then you must both make time for it and honor spontaneous moments of mental drive and excitement. Despite what you may think, it’s not all about what every customer or clients want from you. It’s about what you want for yourself. The best way for you to help your customers and clients is to first have your own house in order and feel healthy and confident about your approach to helping them.
This is not at all to say you should have no schedule or worktime blocked out. Quite the opposite. I’m a hardcore planner. I set defined schedules, deadlines, boundaries, and parameters that I’m comfortable with around my time for clients, as well as plan specific work times throughout my days and weeks. Remember, you must teach people how to respect and value you. Just remember I/you have the freedom and flexibility to deviate from those planned times whenever it makes sense – guilt free.
To best support the type of work schedule, or work-life balance that best fits you, you need to authentically represent yourself in your targeted marketing and brand voice. Representing yourself (and your business) authentically and openly, such that the people who resonate with you and see themselves reflected in you - and who are willing to collaborate with you on your schedule - are the ones who contact you. The goal is to pre-qualify the right people and discourage the wrong people from the get-go. It will save you a lot of wasted administrative work and painful customer/client transactions.
Now, despite my efforts and boundaries, I still get contacted by a few people who refuse to respect said boundaries and who are difficult, demanding, and disrespectful with me when I state my schedule availability or lack thereof. Who refuse to take a “no” without acting abusively. Or making trouble when it’s time to pay their bill (I bill 100% upfront these days). It’s no surprise that there is a significant gender difference in terms of who typically treats me disrespectfully, and who doesn’t. Fortunately, I’ve created a life and business dynamic that affords me to have a zero-tolerance policy for that kind of behavior. Remember, you are in control of your business…you can fire clients, and you should if you need to.
A not-so gentle reminder for women here that the word “no” is a complete answer. No need to over justify or explain yourself in every situation. If you’re a people pleaser and saying “no” is difficult for you, then I suspect you often struggle with work-life balance. Learning to say “no” guilt-free and with confidence is probably one of the most useful skills you can learn. If necessary, just stand in the mirror and practice saying it. Get used to it and learn to embody it. Seriously, muscle memory is a thing.
For women, a big part of creating whatever work-life balance means drawing harder boundaries around their time, availability, rates, you name it. It also means prioritizing time for you to do what you need and want to do to be a well-rounded individual.
"A not-so gentle reminder for women here that the word “no” is a complete answer."
I’m fully aware that many people do not feel they have the freedom, economically or otherwise, to make these determined choices around their work life. Life is not an even playing field and most people don’t start off with or are afforded many advantages. I’m fully aware that most women have children and that dictates much of their life-work balance. That said, from my perspective a mentally confident and self-actualized mom who asserts her value is one of the best gifts any child could have. If you are working in a job – or for someone - that does not make you happy, but you don’t feel you financially have a choice to make a big change, I would still argue that you probably have some room to identify and honor your personality strengths, innate talents, and natural drives. Have you self-reflected on what those are? If not, sit down and take a moment to see yourself and write down all the things about you that define your personality, as well as all your natural skills and proficiencies. What are you good at and how can you lean-in to these natural talents? Recognizing your own strengths and value first goes a long way to being respected in any job and advancing a path of growth.
Ultimately I think achieving whatever sort of parity in your life and work comes down to is guilt-free radical self-acceptance and self-actualization. Authentically lean into who you are and how you need to work. Whatever that ends up looking like for you in terms of “work-life balance,” good for you.
