Are you “Too Much” but "Not Enough"?
Calling All Highly Intense People!
As a woman with an HSP (High Sensitivity Personality - a highly sensitive intense person) and an INFJ introvert with ADHD (it’s always good to know all your acronyms!), this is a serious conundrum I’ve found myself in my entire life. When just being you in good faith leaves you marginalized by family, society, and your workplace because you are “too much”, self-isolation and self-doubt are often the go-to defense mechanisms.
No, “highly sensitive personality” does not mean emotionally delicate. It means more neurologically (biologically) sensitive to inputs of all sorts, with a more tangible intense impact on our minds and bodies. While it really takes the entire book to explain highly sensitive intense personalities, I love this one paragraph from the book “The Gift of Intensity” by Imi Lo:
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“As an intense person, you are considered to be both ‘too much’ in some areas and ‘not enough’ in others. Your brain operates like a fast car, and naturally you have a strong drive that propels you to take actions. When you are engaged, you may become hyper-focused on a subject or project and are unable to relax, even after work. Your imagination stretches far beyond the natural confines; you see patterns and trends that are ahead of your time and most people cannot keep up with your foresight. Not understanding your intensity, others may say your energy is ‘too much’ and mock your efforts. You naturally give a lot of yourself; you may find yourself working harder than everyone else but are still not appreciated, and are continuously picking up the slack for others. What seems normal to you may be idealistic to others, which puts you in a lonely battle for excellence. Since your work ethics raise the standards for everyone else, those who are managed by you may resent the pressure to perform. With little support for your skills and efficiency, you are left feeling stifled and exploited.”
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This is me in a nutshell. I’ve even been called a “racehorse” by a previous employer and he felt it was his job to “control me, and decide when to let me run for his benefit and when to rein me in.” EW.
I suspect that if you are someone so bold as to make a mid-life career switch or start a new business, you may also have an outlier personality or perhaps even neurodivergent traits. If you are struggling to balance your own intellectual, creative, and entrepreneurial desires and drives and hyper-focus along with a world that doesn’t really “get” your sensitive or intense personality, you’re not actually alone. About 15% of people likely fall into the HSP category, or may be considered “intense”. But, that smaller pool of people “like us” can still make it much harder to find understanding and support as an employee, entrepreneur, or career-transitioner.
Entrepreneurship itself can be pretty lonely. If you’re making a big career shift or starting a new business mid-life, you may also have found your personal circle of family and much smaller than it was in your youth - or pre-pandemic. The feeling of isolation can become intense, and if you’re not naturally an introvert it can be very disconcerting and even cause depression. Networking and professional socialization and support is not only key to entrepreneurial success, it’s key to you maintaining your mental health and wellness. But many entrepreneurs I work with describe intense feelings of being alone or misunderstood in their journey.
My best advice, if you find yourself in the category of highly sensitive and intense - and you’re working to reboot your life, career, or new business - first thank yourself for your intensity and coping mechanisms, and what they’ve allowed you to achieve in your life. Next, stop apologizing for who you are as an intense person so that you can put self-doubt aside and put yourself out there to make the connections you need to be supported and successful. When you can recognize and be mindful of your own personality traits, defensive mechanisms, and strengths, you can better identify others who will “get” you and not be scared away or intimidated by your gift of intensity. It’s no different than identifying target ideal customers and marketing to them specifically to attract them.
When you can learn how to identify and find those people, you may actually start to feel comfortable enough to ask for help, or for what you really want, which -let’s face it - isn’t always easy for intense and highly-driven people.
So, if you’re also “too much” welcome to the club. And guess what? You’re totally enough just as you are.
